Listen, I want to be up front about this. If you are a male considering TESE or are scheduled for TESE and looking for some positive, reassuring words to help put your mind at ease or solidify your decision, WALK AWAY FROM YOUR BROWSER, please... I'll wait.
Ok, are they gone?
Good... now, this might come as a surprise to you; inexplicably, it sorta was for me! But, here's the thing. Laying spread eagle in a Johnny coat, in a cold room, on an operating table, after being dry shaved to Brazilian Wax-like levels with a $.25 disposable razor by a nurse (god bless her, *I* would not want that job) is humbling, borderline humiliating. Having a needle filled with local anesthetic, or two, or three (I lost count shortly after my second pain induced blackout :)) inserted directly into the "Huevos" HURTS like holy hell! Feeling the pressure of the scalpel, knowing what is being cut, seeing the tissue being transfered to sterile jars, is as uncomfortable and unpleasant as it sounds like it is. But waiting there on the table, using my "phone a friend" to the big guy upstairs as the Doctor left to look at the first sample under the microscope, trying to convince myself that he was going to come back and say, "congratulations, I saw so many swimmers I didn't know whether this was testicular tissue or the Bird Nest in Beijing", knowing deep down he wouldn't...and when he didn't it hurt in a way I really wasn't expecting nor had I really prepared for. Could I have? My wife drove me home, we didn't say much, I was aching in a so many different ways, she was aching in so many different ways, but we were still hopeful that the second tissue sample which was sent to the lab for sorting through, could still yield fruit. The doctor promised to call in a few days. These few days were spent in a a lot of discomfort with a bag of frozen peas, the worlds best ice pack made from green vegetable matter, placed strategically and making friends with a bottle of Percocet. My wife, god i love her, doted over me, took care of me, AND tolerated my whining and general grouchitude.
Dr. H called about 72 hours after the procedure to deliver the final below the belt blow, the one that (in the moment) had taken away the last piece of hope I had been desperately clinging to and I started to slide down the cliff. "The lab didn't find any sperm, I want you to come in for followup but at this point I think your options are pretty clear, Adoption or DI".
L and I cried together for a long time that night. I had been trying to be the rock, but it felt like I was starting to crumble. We both needed to just let it go, to grieve, to be there for each other, to put into practice the "For Worst" part of the whole marriage deal that we all hope we'll never see.
On a side note...
Listening to the doctor whistling along to ABBA's Fernando playing on the office radio did little to put my noise filled mind to rest... "really Doc, ABBA?" Swedish bubble gum pop is just not an appropriate Scrotal Surgery soundtrack. Botox or Lipo, maybe... Anyway, I digress,
What is the appropriate TESE Playlist?
Cuts Like a Knife - Bryan Adams
The First Cut is The Deepest - Sheryl Crow
Big Balls - AC/DC
Your thoughts?
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About This Blog
If you had asked me a year ago what Azoospermia was, I almost certainly would have answered "a Dr. Seuss character!" (a very fringe character perhaps). Now the true meaning, as well as a veritable medical alphabet soup of terms like: TESE, mTESE, IVF, ICSI, and so many more have become part of our every day lexicon. This is our story...
About Us
Me ("J"):
Male, 36 year old Software Engineer, born and raised in lovely New England. My obsessions include music (playing, writing, listening), baseball, and misc. geeky stuff.
Diagnosis:
Non-Obstructive Azoospermia.
She ("L"):
Female, 32 year old fledgling entrepreneur, born and raised in the topgraphically challenged Midwest. Equally passionate about music, crafting, and theatre.
Diagnosis:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
Dog ("P"):
1 year old Springer Spaniel. Self-imposed king of our house and bastion of awesomeness.
Diagnosis:
Epilepsy
Diagnosis:
Non-Obstructive Azoospermia.
She ("L"):
Female, 32 year old fledgling entrepreneur, born and raised in the topgraphically challenged Midwest. Equally passionate about music, crafting, and theatre.
Diagnosis:
Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS)
Dog ("P"):
1 year old Springer Spaniel. Self-imposed king of our house and bastion of awesomeness.
Diagnosis:
Epilepsy
11 comments:
I'm so sorry they didn't find anything... And you're right, TESE sucks and they can't quite prepare you for it! Take your time with finding your next steps. You'll know what's best for your family!
I didn't know he was whistling ABBA, really, Fernando?! Wow... I dote because I know you will do the same, and you forgot to mention the part about the pain intensifying as you WATCHED THE PROCEDURE ON THE INTERNET from your recovery bed... I think you felt the sting of the cold steel all over again that day.
I am sorry that no sperm were found. I hope you and your wife find the right path in your life!
Here from L&F
I'm here from the LFCA, too. We never made it as far as TESE, but the day we found out that my husband's vasectomy reversal had failed and he had no sperm was pretty clearly the worst day of both of our lives so far. It just hurts. A lot.
But the first commenter, is right. You will find your way through this. It's not easy, but you will. And I'm wishing you peace and clarity as you work through whatever comes next for both of you.
I am so sorry about your findings. That really sucks. My husband has anejaculation- we are waiting for a TESA vs MESA sometime soon. My dear husband is scared to death of it- so I am not pushing it too hard. We can't do anything until 2010 for finacial reasons anyway, so I will let him psych himself up for it. My heart just hurts for you. I would never wish this on anyone. It just isn't fair.
Thank you for the heads up as far as the shaving. I will remember to shave the manly bits with lots of shaving cream BEFORE his surgery. He might just decide he would rather adopt if he knew he had to get his bits shaved by a nurse....dry...with a cheap razor. :)
ABBA? Really? That just is crazy. How about "Sister Morphine" by The Rolling Stones? LOL!
I will sending lots of good thoughts your way. Good luck
www.ttc-wildride.blogspot.com
I'm so sorry they didn't find any sperm. It sucks.
I have to vote for AC/DC. Over. And Over...and over again.
I am so sorry there were no sperm. That is some really difficult news to take in and grieve -- take all the time you and your wife need to do so.
(here from LFCA)
makingmemom.blogspot.com
Im so sorry to hear that...
Wishing you peace as you move forward.
Damn, I'm sorry they didn't find any sperm. My husband has gotten that phone call, and it is horrible. He never talks too much about the biopsy, fine needle mapping and varicocele surgery, but I'm sure it is all absolutely awful. Sorry you had to go through that.
Hoping that you guys can take some time to digest this news. Thinking of you.
I'm sorry the TESE didn't find anything. We didn't do TESE and just went straight to DI. My husband still contemplates doing it one day just to "know" for sure. I know this diagnosis is devastating, but you and your wife seem very strong and I'm sure you will weigh your options carefully so you come to the best decision.
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